Tortured in Nylon

Okay.. here is a shout to all the girls out there who have ever worn nylons. What is with these things? I lifted a new pair out of the box/egg thingy and they hung there in the air much like I imagine Peter Pan’s shadow must have looked. I pondered them and tried to convince myself that I could squeeze into these 12-sizes-too-small-leg-raisins. I felt like a snake that was trying to fit back into its shed skin.

(S’s noticed that these sad wrinkled things look like the poor unfortunate souls in Ursula’s garden in the Little Mermaid movie. *laughs* Once you get this, you will think of that every time you put a pair on.)

I finally got everything squeezed and tucked into these contraptions and realized that I had snagged them right above my knee with my freshly trimmed fingernail. *gnashes teeth* With only 5 minutes till walking out the door, some fast repair work had to be done. Every nylon wearing woman has a bottle of clear fingernail polish handy just for this type of emergency. A little dab of this sticky stuff will fray-check the tiny tear and hold embarrassment off for one more wearing.

I went to church and didn’t think of the little run again until after sacrament meeting when I stood up to go to the next meeting and felt my epidermis tear as the nylon that was now glued to my skin shifted and took a few hundred layers of skin with it. ow.

After church, I set a new speed record for getting out of those middle throttling torture devices and made the mistake of holding them up in front of me again. They were now a stretched out saggy-baggy-elephant imitation of legs. I submit that if anyone wants to feel badly about the size of their thighs, forget trying on new swim suits, just put on a brand new pair of hose! It don’t matter what size jean you wear, doing the new nylon dance /battle will make you feel bad about it and then even worse when you take yourself out of them again.

I am so going back to knee-highs... 'cept I wear them too long and they fall down. *sigh*

Lets all go back to petticoats, K? I like the idea of wearing a pair of capris under my dress. Here is hoping that all nylons go the way of pioneer bonnets, whalebone corsets, and bustles.