Baby Steps

Many longtime friends are aware of a strange phobia that I have. I’m not afraid of spiders or mice or snakes.. no.. I have to be peculiar. I am afraid of Praying Mantis… or as I like to call them Preying Mantis. (Big difference!)

I’ve related to many of you my stories about the heart pounding anxiety filled encounters with this bug - my green (and sometimes brown) demon. This is a true phobia – an irrational fear. When I run across one of these bizarre-o bugs I try to fill my head with sane thoughts like “It is tiny. It is cool looking. It is not going to hurt me. It is a helpful insect. etc.” But, it doesn’t matter… the hair on my neck stands up, my stomach lurches, I make a little squeaky whimpering noise in my dry throat, and I have a HUGE desire to run away. It’s crazy.

A strange thing happened at the end of this summer. It was in the time of year that I’m looking over my shoulder for these bugs and when a little voice in the back of my mind is constantly reminding me “They can fly, you know.” *shivers* I was watering my sad little ever-neglected hedge after a very hot day and the spray forced a mantis out of the leaves. It crawled (quick as lightning *ugh*) up the side of the house. As I watched it, a curious realization occurred to me. I wasn’t freaking out. Weird. I was there for 5 more minutes watching this tiny adversary as it swiveled its triangle head at me and I didn’t feel anything close to my normal reaction. “Cool!” I thought. “I’m getting better.”

Then yesterday I had the biggest breakthrough EVER! I finally came to terms with the calendar and put to bed my hope that Fall would never come. (Don’t talk to me about winter yet!) I was cutting down my flowers and pulling their stalks out of my flowerbeds. It was a coolish kinda rainy day and I was halfway finished with the second to last bush when I looked down at where I was kneeling to find a dark green mantis holding tight to a cut stalk.

I felt that strange absence of reaction to it. It was almost in my lap and I felt no panic. Awesome! I told myself I should push the non-feeling a little farther to test myself. So I made my mind go quiet (a trick –for my ever-chattering self) and I reached for the stick it was on and lifted it. The sad little leftover was cold and slow (thankfully) and I watched it readjust itself to the new angle of its perch. Still I felt nothing. I took a calming yoga breath and put the curiosity on my gloved hand. I am still marveling that I could have done this. I should have taken a picture. But, I was trying hard to not think, remember? I was holding a mantis! In my hand! On purpose! *marvels*

Isn’t that great!!?! ! I was letting my arch enemy crawl on me and feeling pity for it. I found a new shelter for it in an over-wintering bush a few steps away. (yes I carried it!) I watched it settle and actually smiled at myself for almost patting its head. *chuckles*

I went back to work and let me brain think again. As I worked I started to feel that sick to my stomach revulsion and every curled leaf began to look like a mantis body. I tried to shut that thought out but the tide gates had been opened and my hands began to tremble. I finished that last bush in record time and looked over my shoulder at where my new friend had been sitting (yes – pasts tense!) It was gone! My back crawled and I didn’t dare touch my hair for fear of what I’d find.

I was meeting a friend just then and hurried over to her place. I asked first thing if I had anything on my back. Shame on her for making a pale faced double take which completely sent my anxiety into the full creepy crawlies and hand shakey-ness. *laughs* I’m sure that everyone of you – even the ones that I’ve trapped mice, squished spiders, and caught snakes for – would not have missed the set up to do the exact same thing! *sticks out tongue*

I tremble just a little re-thinking about what I did. But, I am celebrating the progress that I made yesterday… 100 steps forward!! Even with the small delayed regression it was a victory over self! Hooray!